Heartbreak Warfare (I)

"WARNING: I’M NO LONGER IN LOVE!"

I have this undying passion for relationship-talks and I'm guessing it's borne out of not just past experiences and those of so many people around but out of a desire to see relationships (however casual) work and that is why I decided to do a series on issues that bother on "relationships".

I will be taking you on a quite a number of familiar issues that is most prevalent not just amongst youths but also amongst grown adults, all under this series that I have tagged heartbreak warfare.

I’ll be starting with the above subtopic: WARNING: I’M NO LONGER IN LOVE!

 I know this issue isn't strange to most of us and we really cannot stop talking about it because break ups are rampant everywhere; they happen as much as new relationships are being formed every day. It is therefore important to discuss what to do and how to cope/handle a break up. Need I say that break ups do not just happen in relationships leading to marriage, but they happen in marriages also and most of the time, the end result is usually a “Judicial separation” or a “Divorce”. Break ups also occur in friendships of many years, that you most likely would have invested so much in.

There are times though, that intending break ups can be sensed and that is where I’m starting off today.

In a long-term committed relationship, the signs that your relationship is in trouble are very likely to appear in stages and cycles. It is not unusual for cycles of ups and downs to continue over several years. Unfortunately, sometimes the warning signs of a break up may start to appear quite sudden. Breaking up (Divorce in some cases) is always a process with a beginning, a middle and an end.

You cannot afford to be naïve about these things and that is why I want to share with you tips and warning signs to look out for in case your partner tells you that it is over!

The easiest way to know that your partner has stopped loving you is to feel it. Love can be felt and when it’s no longer there, you feel it too!

Here are some of the signs and symptoms that your relationship may be over – the warning signs of a break up. Though, I would rather you look at them as signs that your relationship (or marriage) is in need of intensive care.

The signs:

      You are not talking much about personal ‘stuff’ – you have little or no idea what is going on in your partner’s life, which was not the case initially.

      You seem to be saying the same things over and over again: complaining about the same issues with no positive response or attempts at changing those things you complain about from your partner.

      You increasingly seem to be unable to come to an agreement over important issues and either both of you end up feeling frustrated, angry or hurt whenever you try to talk about these issues.

      One or both of you are feeling increasingly depressed ( - if both partners feel like this on account of your relationship, then your feelings are definite signs of a break up).

      You and your partner are becoming more and more irritable and/or withdrawn.

      You are both unhappy and may have even mentioned, or threatened each other with ‘separation’ – talks of incompatibility sets in here.

      Either one of you (or both) are going out more frequently or staying longer at work, and you are leading  increasingly separate lives. This is where all the excuses of being extremely busy come in; calls are ignored and not returned, text messages and mails don’t get replied on time and there’s no concrete excuse for the delay and the communication gap.

      At least one of you is having an affair. I’ll tell you why. Most of the time and especially for guys in a relationship, once they start getting tired of their partner, they tend to find another female friend they can seek succor in and that is how the affair starts. Ladies could still hang out more with their girl friends but it’s easy for them to get carried away with the attention they’re getting from some other guy.

      Your partner is acting ‘out of character’, or perhaps you have ‘not been yourself lately’ – you’re unnecessarily touchy, easily angered, intolerable to things you would ordinarily overlook; would rather be with boring friends than with you.

      You are arguing more frequently and perhaps even treating each other with contempt.

      One or both of you is “stonewalling”: consciously building a wall around yourself that your partner can’t get through.

      Your partner is inconsistent – makes promises about being there and then makes him/herself scarce; constantly forgetting to do things that he/she would ordinarily not need a reminder for.

Some of these are obvious signs that a relationship is over. And it is important that you know and Act as fast as you can; that is if you are interested in saving that relationship. If you do, you need to do something about these warning signs. Consider what has led to this situation and the issues you are facing. Think about each of your roles in the difficulties, rather than blame each other. I must say that it is important that you PRAY for yourself and your partner. I cannot over-emphasize this point. Whether you end up being with or without your partner, you still have to express your long-term desire about that relationship to God.

You really need all the help you can get before you make the biggest mistake of either breaking up or staying put in the relationship all at your detriment.

I’ll talk more on handling break ups (if in the end, you still have to go through one) in my next post.

Thanks for reading!