Letters to God #1

 

For a few weeks now, I’ve had tons of questions unsettling my mind about how God works.

The year has come with its ups and downs (a lot of downs if I may add) but the bottom line is how exactly does God work? What is expected of me? How much faith do I need to have for mountains to move?

Don’t get me wrong, I love God, I love Jesus and the past year (2020) has taught me to love God as I would love a friend, as I love my husband and those I can physically see. And when I examine the kind of love I have for human beings, I see that it usually comes with no strings attached. I love deep; I’ll literally carry your matter on my head; I don’t hold back when I love. And honestly, most times, I don’t even expect anything in return.

This was my first new year resolution - to cultivate this same relationship with God last year; not to use him as my ATM that I only go to when I need to withdraw money, but to love him like I love those around me. I honestly have a feeling that I overstayed my time at the love-giving tank in heaven because loving people to a fault is my thing; it annoys me sometimes. 

When it comes to God, I would struggle with spending quality time in His presence, because honestly, after reading the bible and praying, what else is left?

Preachers would say you should STAY in His presence; be quiet in your spirit; STUDY and not just read the bible; be attentive to hear what God has to say; and so on. I find that all of these things are easy when you’re relating with a physical being and they would come naturally to me, but when you’re alone, by yourself, it only takes some type of grace to STAY, be attentive and do all those things preachers urge us to do.

Anyway, I took it upon myself to commit to a better relationship with God. Pray, Study the word, listen to messages; read Christian books and just feed my spirit. Although I’ve been praying in the spirit for an hour every day since I listened to one preacher who urged us to cultivate the habit some 10 or so years ago; I wasn’t consistent. So last year (thank God for COVID and all its troubles), I resumed doing that again. Some days will go without me praying in the spirit for an hour; some other days will have me breaking the 1-hour into tiny bits all through the day.

But in recent times, I’ve started feeling worn out, not because I’m not receiving answers to my prayers (partly because of this, because a girl needs answers to a lot of questions, but she understands that it may take time), but mostly because it seems my intercessions yield answers faster than prayers for myself. It’s so weird that I often find myself getting jealous of those I’ve randomly and/or intentionally prayed for, because I’m thinking that God has somehow pushed my folder down the pile and whatever I have to say or require an answer for can wait.

This makes me remember how my dad will carry other people’s matter on his head (a.k.a prioritize external requests) and attend to us (mum and my siblings) afterwards. I never understood why but these days, I’m beginning to see how I sometimes misplace my priorities and go all out for people “outside”, while neglecting myself and my immediate family. I still don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, but I’m guessing balance is key.

I haven’t prayed in two days because I honestly don’t know what to say to God, even though I hear him calling my attention through different means, I’m literally not on speaking terms with Him. But I still need answers. Weird, right? I know (because I will only get answers when I pray).

I just want to know why He sometimes makes me feel like he’s ignoring my call, while having constant group chats with everyone else in the family and somehow I’m not invited to the chat.

Again, the aim is not to have an ATM type of relationship, but what do you do when it feels like there’s absolute silence on the other end of the line while you’re there saying “hello”, thinking there’s a network glitch but in actual fact, there isn’t because you see another person added to the call (while you're still on the call) and God is having a full-on conversation with the person?

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There is no way to end this blog, especially because I didn't even warn you ahead of my return to the blog with the regular "hey, I'm back" like I would normally do. 

I just wanted to write a letter to God and hopefully get encouraged somehow or feel better after venting. I do a lot of self-conversing (myself, mind, and spirit all talking to one another and these days, I'm gravitating to my first love, which is to write my thoughts out, and this is exactly what I'm doing with this post).

Of course, I’m going to go back to God in prayer and STAY there; probably just let us be looking at each other because fortunately, I don’t have a second option, It’s God or nothing but I wanted to return back to this blog with an actual writeup describing my current state.

 P.S: I have been off the blog page for a while now because I’ve been juggling A TON of things; going to school; running a business; working as an employee; growing a Youtube Channel and running a home.

If you somehow find the link to this blog post and read till the end, know that I'm smiling wide here and saying a big thank you. Feel free to leave any comment that comes to mind after reading my first open letter to God.

Till next time,

Stay in the light.